I love that quote from the Sandman comics. It's so appropos at the moment.
This is rather long, convoluted and rambly so I'll cut it hah.
Job is going extremely well. I had to miss two days though because I had a virus, which means I didn't get paid. Boo! But my boss, Sean, is a really nice guy, and things are going awesomely, so alright.
Speaking of focus...besides the job, a lot of it has been on Lee. We have the most amazing talks. Anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours. He's told me things that he hasn't told anyone else (so he says, and I have no reason not to believe him), and I've done the same. There's an intimacy to our conversations that I've not felt since Andrew. But at the same time, this is as far from my relationship with Andrew as earth is from the sun.
For one thing, as shallow as it may sound, I was never physically attracted to Andrew. It never went beyond a few kisses, and those were never "deep" so to speak. He was cute, but it was a boyish type of cute, and I was never turned on by him. It was an innocent love, but I did love him in some fashion. Given the fact I broke up with him partly due to my attraction to Randy and partly because it finally sunk in that he'd never be fully cured of his cancer, I'm not sure if it was a "true" type of love. I never really thought about being his wife, so perhaps my subconscious knew this before I realised it.
But everything's different with Lee. There was, obviously, a physical attraction, a spark between us from the start. It's only been in the short conversation we had that Sunday night and the convos that've followed that we've found common interests, common ground, and truly gotten to know each other. Not just facts like our backgrounds, but we've shared our mutual dreams, our fears, our hurts and our desires. I can tell him anything now, and he feels the same way. I've asked him pretty personal questions, and he's answered them all honestly. He's done the same with me, and we're talking very personal questions. Like what I'd be interested in trying in the bedroom. *cough* Normally I'd blush like mad but as I've gotten comfortable with him, the shyness and the embarassment has faded. He can still make me blush with a quick quip or taking something I said completely out of context (he's good at that!), but it's nothing I'm ashamed of or anything.
We've talked a lot about my deepest fear, which is losing control of myself and/or my situations. Which conflicts with my curiousity to try being tied up at some point. (Which, he also knows I'm a virgin, and has said he'd not try anything that I wasn't ready for. I believe him. It's gotten him a ton of bonus points in my book.) Like I said, very personal things. I've trusted him with knowledge and with a few provocative photos, taken for his eyes only, and so far he's shown that it's been worth the risk.
That's where the title of this entry comes from. "Sometimes, when you fall, you fly." He told me that when he falls for someone, he falls hard, and that was part of the reason he hadn't sought anyone out for a relationship since earlier this year. I kinda changed all that. Same for me, and I told him that quote. But he wasn't flying alone - I'm right there with him.
Mom's warned me not to get too involved or fall so hard so fast (which I confess, thats been my problem in the past), but it's too late for that. As with everything I develop a passion for, I'm diving headfirst into this...this ambigious situation. We have a relationship, but really haven't called ourselves a 'couple' or 'boyfriend/girlfriend'. We've talked about each other to mutual friends. But it's rather up in the air, at least at the moment. The real test will be if we can stand one another when I go to visit him next year. We'll be around each other for longer than 3 hours, hah. I'm staying at his place. I trust him. It's myself I don't trust.
Because I don't find myself fantasizing about wrestlers anymore. When I fantasize, it's about me and him. He's brought out the sensual, sexy side of my personality. I hadn't really thought of myself as sexy, but he definitely thinks I am. I've come to believe it too. Maybe not at 9a.m. on a Saturday with my hair all a mess and in my pjs, hehe. My self confidence has grown over the years to the point where I know I'm beautiful - but thanks to him, I realise I'm sexy as well. He tells me repeatedly that I'm the one choosing to explore this side of myself, I could say no at any time. And he's right. But at the same time, he's the catalyst. If I'm the firework, then he's the spark. And I could say no and bury this side of myself deep inside of me - but I don't want to. I'm a nice, sweet person - but I'm also a tigress. Maybe I've always known it was there, but it'd been muzzled for so long I forgot about it.
It may sound really patronizing, but that's not the way it is. He's encouraging and proud of me when I step out of my comfort zone, and I'm free to do this because I know there's no judgment from him. He accepts each facet of my personality, as I accept his. He's only one year older than me, but he's done a lot more, experienced a lot more, and he's shared so much of it with me. I'm learning from him. I've always thought I would prefer an older guy, maybe not in years so much, but life experience wise. He's happy to walk this path with me, to help explore it, and me? I'm very willing to see where it leads.
Even the distance doesn't bother me so much, not as much as it would've maybe 5 - 10 years ago. Me and Andrew struggled because of it, but different time, different circumstances. With Skype and technology in general, it's made things easier. And in a couple of instances, it's probably a good thing seeing as I've wanted to jump him a couple of times. This is so different, being so strongly attracted to someone physically, mentally and emotionally - at times, it's been intimidating and scary. But with him, I feel fearless. And when I let my imagination go, it's powerful.
At this point, I'm rambling, but A) I'm at work and have been typing for 45 minutes at this point, and B) there's only so many pages I can fill in my offline journal. I'm not kidding either. I could write about all this for hours. I do worry that maybe it's just the rush of something new and different that I'm getting wrapped up in, and not a genuine attraction to him persay. I've thought about that and decided that's honestly not the case. Even if he wasn't helping me explore myself, I'd still look forward to our conversations and seeing him again next year. He's honestly the best thing in my life and I've told him I'm so grateful he's in it. And I am. Even if things don't turn out in the end the way my imagination pictures it, I'll still treasure him and the person he's helping me become. But I don't think about that. I don't think about all the bad what-ifs, I focus on the positive. Which says a lot right there. I'm optimistic in general, but relationship wise I've almost always concentrated on the negative. But not here. I trust him. He trusts me. And we both want to explore this.
Something that also occurred to me was the fact that the other guy I was physically attracted to and could've had something happen with (Randy, the co-worker) my own subconscious warned me off. In his car that night when we were kissing, I wasn't "into" it. I kept mental tabs on where his hands were, where my were, and ultimately how wrong this felt. I'm SO glad nothing did happen! But this is how I know my attraction to Lee is different. That Sunday night when I was in his arms for 3 hours, there was never any warning bells. I wasn't keeping real 'mental tabs' like before - I was very much into it. That's not the best indication that something is necessarily right, but the fact that my subconscious wasn't pitching a fit is. I felt completely safe and comfortable.
This is the difference. Something told me I could trust him and that something has been right so far. So why not see what happens?
Because sometimes when you fall, you fly. Me? I want to soar.
Reflections of a Twenty-Something
Baby, I'm a Free Bitch.
- Sometimes, when you fall, you fly.