I'm writing this because it's so much easier to collect my thoughts and set them out in writing rather than speaking. Hopefully it explains things..
I can be moody. Really moody. Extremely moody. Although I try very hard to control my downswings, my moods can be really easily influenced by things or people. Music, movies, or if I feel the tension in an area that influences me as well. If my parents are fighting or 'disagreeing' or even if they aren't, and there's just tension between them, that affects me. If in the wrong frame of mind someone says something that's honestly innocent, I can take it the wrong way and turn sour. Or even if I'm fine, all it takes is me taking something the wrong way to turn.
I'm not unstable, far from it. For the most part I'm fairly optimistic, upbeat and positive. It's when I think, and dwell, and overanalyize that things start to overwhelm me.
I've always tried to not let fear run me. It has at times, of course, but as I've gotten older, I've made a more conscious decision to not let it. After all, who wants to go through life afraid? You miss out on so much. But sometimes..I'm afraid of myself. How strongly I can feel for one person. I'm one of those people who are passionate in their views and their feelings - I either really like you or I despise you. There's very few I've ever been really indifferent to.
But in forming such strong attachments, there's risks. Risk that the other person will shy away or back off. Risk that they'll accept only to let you down in the end. With risk comes fear. And therein is the problem.
Sometimes I think it's abit foolhardy or reckless of myself to get too attached. Maybe it's a weakness or just plain stupidity. After all, what right do I have to try and take up so much of someone's time and attention? Especially when they might not feel as strongly as I do. Or might be repelled.
I want to be supportive, not nagging. I want to be attentive, not clingy. I want to comfort, not smother. But I always feel like I'm crossing that invisible line, that I'm going too far overboard. My intensity scares others as much as it scares me.
At times I think I'm just not worth it. I'm a bundle of nerves, passions, emotions, worries and anxieties. I'm a ball of fire that burns everything in sight - including myself. The dark side of a volcano. And times like these, I feel like a child, so immature, so far from where I thought I'd be at my age. Plus, it seems whenever I do catch a bit of happiness, I deliberately sabotage it somehow.
I meant to make this far more laid out, concise and articulate but instead it's all over the place. A lot like myself actually.
I need more self control. I need to keep myself, my emotions contained. Or I run the risk of scaring people off.
Reflections of a Twenty-Something
Baby, I'm a Free Bitch.
- (no subject)